the biggest lie, i think, the internet perpetuates about D&D is that a skinny little twink of a bard just needs to roll a nat 20 to seduce a dragon
like a dragon…a creature with more wealth and power than any other creature on the planet…a creature who is easily an 11/10 when they deign to take humanoid form…would look at your skinny little 8 STR half-elf Bard whose own father doesn’t even love them and go…yeah I’d like to fuck that
Counterpoint, my good man:
Dragonsfuck
Dragons fuck, clearly, but not just any joe blow schmoe with a big Charisma stat. If I’m Joseph J Dragon sitting on a small hill of gold and jewels I’m not gonna waste my time boning every monsterfucking tiefling twink with a lyre. I would have standards.
Counter-counterpoint: dragons are SUPER horny
Counter-counter-counterpoint: even if dragons are SUPERhorny they’ve got better prospects than spindly little bards!!!! They could be off fucking cloud giants or beholders or planetars!!!! They could be having sex with kraken in the middle of the ocean or fire giants in the mouth of an erupting volcano!
There is a wealth of sexual excess and opportunity available to dragons; so much that they do not need to be slumming it with an adventurer who hasn’t washed his ass in a month and a half and is probably covered in kobold blood by the time they get to the dragon’s lair!
Seriously!!!
I don’t care how many times you cast Charm Monster, the Elder Dragon who has probably slept with more princesses than there are princedoms is not going to bite! When you have bedded the most beautiful mortals on the Prime Material Plane on a pile of gold and jewelry you are not gonna be looking twice at any MOTHERFUCKEr who can’t at least True Polymorph to make things interesting
triple-counterpoint:
you’re right but please shut up you are actively ruining my 10 strength half-elf twink bard’s sexual prospects with this post
OP is right and they should say it
Actually…
As we can see from this most excellent chart, dragons can and will fuck anything. Even humans do not compare. The only species that can match dragons for horny-ness is, in fact, nymphs.
Therefore your twinky-ass lil bard has as good a chance as anyone. Go forth and thot your way through your DM’s carefully planned Big Bad encounter and
fuck the dragon.
I’m not even sure where I stand on this argument but I absolutely need to keep that chart for reference, so
Should the 10 strength twink Bard actually succeed in “seducing” the dragon, keep in mind that the dragon in question is an incredibly powerful cosmic being, and that the twink bard is adorable little munchkin with a mandolin that manage to wink and sway their hips enough to charm the dragon.
And that dragons live for tens of thousands of years and that even elves live for about two thousand at most.
And that even good dragons are known for being greedy hoarders.
And that even the nicest dragons tend to view humans, elves, and other mortals as lesser beings.
… what I’m trying to say here, is that the twink Bard isn’t gonna be a lover, they’re gonna be a pet. They’re going to become the centerpiece of the dragon’s hoard. The dragon ain’t letting them go anywhere, and that bard is going to spend the rest of their life lounging around in the dragon’s lair dressed in filmy silks, with a customized collar around their neck with their name written on it in big gold letters, not being allowed to leave because the outside world is a big and scary place for people who are so small. The player is either going to have to retire the character and roll up a new one, or the adventuring party is going to have to break them out of the lair, escape from the gulag style, and should they actually escape, the dragon is going to spend the rest of their adventuring careers trying to hunt him down and get their sweet little poopsie back.
Waterchicken-afterdark 